This Girl...

There's this girl that I met online. I haven't seen her face to face, I haven't even heard her voice yet, but she has influenced my life so much.

There are times when I long to go back home (to the Philippines) just because her face crossed my mind. There are times when I write poetry, just because I think of her.

Her name is etched in my heart now. A beautiful name, but it doesn't measure up to the beauty that is her personality. She has a lot to give. She dotes on her brother. She loves her parents.

She is smart. She does her job well and she loves it. She has a creative mind. She speaks different languages. She is witty and funny.

She was not successful in everything though, as she has also suffered some heartaches. She doesn't have many friends as she had to keep moving from one place to another.

She is kind of weird. She has a peculiar love for food. Some things she like, you'll find them strange, and you probably wouldn't imagine she was like that if you've just met her.

She is elegant. She knows her place and she knows how to act appropriately depending on the situation. She knows how to dress. Fashion is one thing that comes naturally to her.

Although I've spent quite a bit of time talking to her and getting to know her, there are so many things that I still don't know about her, and want to know about her. I just hope the next months, and years, maybe the rest of my life, I will be given the chance to keep her and get to know her fully. I am sure there will be a lot of surprises, and that just makes me even more eager to spend time with her.

Today I got scared that I won't be given that chance. I was taken over by the feeling of hopelessness. I tried to laugh it off, but it didn't really comfort me that much. I am not sure what I need right now, but a friend told me to write how I feel. I didn't want to at first because I knew that she would read it and I'm not sure if I want her to read it.

That's why this entry is going to this blog site, my secret hideaway, where only a few really close people know who I am. Please go ahead and tell me what you think if you are reading this by any chance. Should I post this entry on a place where I know she will read it or not?

*There might be more to come...

Was It Love?

I am not sure. I felt attached to her for quite a while. I know I liked her a lot, but she had some qualities and circumstances I did not like. I knew it wasn't going to work out between us right from the start. But I persevered.

I let my emotions guide me for a while. I let myself fall. Still it did not matter. The relationship was doomed right from the start.

I am moving on. I've been meeting several interesting women lately. With some of them I share a definite physical attraction to, and some are interesting in their own ways. I am ready to fall in love again. Hoping for the best to come soon.

Is This Love?

Ask me why I'm happy
Let me explain
Love is in my heart
You're there to remain

I don't know what's happening with me now. Am I really falling in love with her? Everything points to the answer "Yes".

How can you miss someone you haven't even met yet? This is the question that started it all. It started with a simple conference chat. We talked, just chit-chat. Two days later, I chatted her up. It was a great conversation. There wasn't much depth in the conversation but we had fun talking to each other. Or at least I did. I talked to her every night after that. Each time we talked, I learned more about her. And the more I learned, the more I felt closer to her. It surprised me that we had many things in common.

I told her not to fall in love with me, and I in turn won't fall for her too. It's funny. We talked and teased each other. I felt good whenever I talked to her. I made her laugh, and her laugh made me happy. And then something happened.. something "magical" as we refer to it.

That night, she was quieter than usual. She had something in her mind, and she started to ask for my opinion about something. I don't want to go into any details, but I gave her a good answer. Plus, I gave her more. I felt that "the friend" was actually her. And before she even told me specifics about the problem, I filled it all in. It surprised me that I did that, and she was shocked. She never thought I would guess it. I didn't think I would either. I just went for what I felt.

We couldn't explain it. I asked her if her heart was beating fast, because mine was. She said yes. We tried to talk a bit about what happened, but everything was a blur. We couldn't put a finger on what just happened.

The next days, we continued talking each night. We shared more and more with each other. Although a bg chunk of the conversations were small talk or just light topics, there are parts where we'd talk about serious stuff. I still surprise her when I read her mind. I can tell what she's thinking most of the time. She didn't have to say a word. I knew what she wanted to tell me. I understood her. Sincerely.

Now that is rare. When two people understand each other like that, I believe there is something special going on between them. There is a special chemistry that is hard to find in people. It was obvious that we liked each other. We were both scared though. We were frightened about what we were feeling.

And we are still... Let's see where this goes....

Love Month

February has always been magical to many people. At that time of the year, lovers show how much they love each other with all the affection they can muster. No holds barred. It's almost like there's a prize to be won for being the sweetest couple.

Then there's also the singles, who take the opportunity to get dates, as almost everyone wants to go out on a date with someone, for fear of being lonely and miserable on that one day in February.

Though most of the celebrations are held mid-month, people find excuses to make the most out of the occasion, so we have post-valentine events until the end of the month.

What I really wanted to write about though, was how my February went. This is the month I started feeling really homesick that I cannot fight the urge to go home anymore. I missed my family and friends, and I missed having someone as well. Now that wasn't supposed to be such a big deal as in my 27 years in this world, I have only had one Valentine's day wherein I had someone who loved me back. And I couldn't hope that this most recent one would be in a relationship, but I did pray to meet "the one" for me.

True enough, I have had the chance to meet a lot of people in the course of that month. Many of the girls I talked to made me smile. All of them have become my friends. There is one girl though, who made my heart beat fast.. who put a lump on my throat.. who made me speechless.. who made me smile with just the mere thought of her.

I wrote a letter once, to someone whom I haven't met yet, addressed to the one God has prepared for me. It seems like this letter was written for her. Can it be? There's only one way to find out, and that is to let destiny run its course and let it take me to wherever this path might lead. It's scary, but I will tread the steps to my destiny, hoping at the end of the road, my lady is waiting for me.

Need Advice....

I talked to her last night. She told me she misses me. She told me she wants me to go back home soon. She told me she wants to get married. She told me she wants to have kids. She told me she wants them soon. Do you think she's trying to tell me something?

I told her to nurture what she has now so she might get what she wants. She has a boyfriend now you know. I love her still though. Can you imagine how hard it was for me to stop myself from telling her that again? I've fallen for her over and over.

Things just start working out for me, allowing me to build up hope, that we can be together. Then she disappears. Or she becomes busy. Or she meets someone else. Do you think I should allow myself to fall for her once again? She simply says my name and I end up with my heart in my throat. My heart beats fast just hearing her voice. I know, I am in love. Still. But I shouldn't just keep waiting for her, should I?

I am so good when giving advice to other people, but I can't give myself a single good one.

The Hurt

A sense of paranoia. That's what I have everytime I fall for someone. After a few days or weeks from realizing that I'm in love, I await that moment when the Hurt comes in. I do not know if this is because I've been bad in a past life, or if I'm just insecure. I have conditioned my mind from years back that I will get my Karma sometime. I hurt some people, and I know I'm gonna be hurt too. I've been hurt a lot of times after that. I just don't know when the Hurt is going to end anymore. I'm at the brink of giving up now. I'm in pain. I've been hurt too many times and I don't know if I can take any more. I hope the next girl is going to be the One already. I don't like myself when I become so negative.

So Elusive....

Why is love so elusive? It seems like everybody is just waiting forever.. waiting for that perfect someone.. the one who was made for us. The heart can not be told who to love, they say. Love is a random feeling. When you fall, it just comes spontaneously. Just one blink, and the world suddenly becomes more colorful. You can definitely feel the difference. One minute you're depressed and the next you're exploding with joy. Today you feel lost and tomorrow you know exactly where you're going and what you're doing, like a man on a mission. We've all felt this way. We've all fallen in love. Why do I think love is elusive? Because when I say love, I mean reciprocated love. Many people have someone they love right now, but they are really not "in love".. because the feeling is not mutual. We suffer a lot of these relationships, thinking that we are just preparing for that "elusive love" to come knocking at our door. And we hope that this is true. I hope this is true....